Have you ever felt like you couldn't say something to your significant other because its "too touchy" or "off limits"? You want to say something to him/her but you can't because you know the discussion is going to be biased (on her half)? That's how I feel, and have been feeling for a while...
These thoughts start running through my mind around this time: summertime. I think they started occurring again because my baby has gone home for yet ANOTHER summer. Which means that I have to spend another 3 months without her, and I have to do the long-distance relationship thing (which I don't handle very well). I don't do very well (emotionally, psychologically, etc.) with long-distance relationships because I always end up being the sideshow; I don't want to be the sideshow this time. People change when they're around a certain group of people for a certain period of time, and my baby can be one of those people. I hate to say that, but its true. Yes, I see how she tries so hard to balance our relationship and the relationship with her family, and I admire her for it. But she does a horrible job, and thats not just my opinion. This whole checks-and-balance thing has gotten better since the beginning of our relationship, yes, but not by much. Its hard to act like our relationship is the most perfect relationship ever and that we don't have to worry about what her family thinks and what they say when she's running around doing everything with her family, sneaking to text/call me, and only saving "us" time after her family is done with her for the day. And by that time, she's usually too tired to talk, so she falls asleep while we're on IMing or videochatting.
I'll give her credit for trying to call me and videochat me during her "breaks" from her family, but they almost don't seem worth it. They don't seem worth it because its usually "us" time mixed with her "family time." Not that I mind, because usually its with the family members that like me. But there's no "us" time during the summer. I feel like I'm sounding spoiled because during the year I have all her time and all we do is have "us" time. But all I'm asking for is a solid half-hour where its JUST us; no interruptions. I feel like that's not too much to ask when you've spent 23.5 hours of the day with your family, ya know?
Whenever the babe and I try and have this conversation, she always uses the line "Well, you don't understand how big families work because you come from a small family. This is just how we do. We are always up in everybody's business and are always together." Now, I'd be fine with that if my babe wasn't trying to prove to me and herself that she's done with her family and what they think of us. If she wasn't trying so hard to distance herself from her family and their ideals. It just seems really ironic, ya know? And then, when I get out my side of the story, she feels like I'm attacking her family and how they are (which I'm not). I'm just trying to help her be the independent woman she's been wanting (because she HAS been whining about it) for so long. But she's so scared because she doesn't want to disappoint her family or me. As a result, I'm the one getting pushed to the side because she's trying to hard to keep them happy.
What I don't understand is that if you are at Howard on full scholarship, and already living the independent life why can't your heart and emotions catch up? Why is her heart still back at home but her mind is with me?I just feel like I only have half (somedays less than that) of her, and I'm sick of it. I'm all for family (big families too), but if you're gonna be with me, be with me. Don't make our relationship you + me + your family, because it'll never work. Clearly, my heart and mind will never be on one accord with her family's, so stop trying to make it that way.
OH, and I need y'alls opinion on something that's coming up in my life:
May 30th, my baby is coming back to DC to get her stuff that she's moving to VA for this summer program she's in. Her mother is coming with her. Now, her mother is completely opposed to our relationship and I'm pretty sure the thought of me utterly disgusts her. Anyway, I wanted to help move her stuff (from the storage space to the car) so that her mom wouldn't have to do so much work. My baby asked her mom if it would be alright if I did that and she said "I prefer if she didn't."
Now, my parents have said "Oh, thats a definite 'no,' so don't even worry about it." My baby says "She'll get over it, I know she probably wants to move me quicker anyways. With your help that can be accomplished. Just come." I don't know what to do! I feel like I should go with my gut and just stay put, but its a chance to see my baby! I don't wanna force this meet-and-greet too soon, but I don't know how much longer I can wait! She and I have been dating for over a year now! And I feel like I'll never meet her parents, let alone the rest of her family.
I take family very seriously. I take meeting family very seriously. I feel that having a minimal relationship with your spouse's parents is beneficial to a good relationship. I'm not asking for complete acceptance and hugs all around whenever I meet them, no. All I'm asking for is a proper handshake so they can see me and judge me for themselves based on our introduction, and not what my baby's told them about me. I feel like since this meet-and-greet hasn't occured, her parents will never accept our relationship because THEY DON'T KNOW ME! They just know me as this gay girl who has turned their daughter into this being of moral turpentine and not the sweet, innocent daughter they sent off to college.
So, can y'all help with the decision making process? Thaaaaaaanks.
Alright, I'm gonna end here. I love y'all, peace!
Sincerely,
Lauren
Quote of the Day: "I'm just a little bossy. I like it how I like it, when I like it, and that's how it is. I'm just a little bossy. You got a problem with it? If I want it I get it now." - Lindsay Lohan
