"When Did Your Heart Go Missing?" - Rooney

You know why? Because, its the time of year where all my friends BRAG about what they got and how much they got, while they sit there and complain about what they DIDN'T get. I hate it when they show their things off and then complain about the quality, or how much the giver spent on the present. Or when they get money it wasn't "enough." WTF?! At least you GOT presents! This year, as with many preceding years, I didn't get ANYTHING. Not a damn thing. Of course, I could say something to them and rant to them about what I've just mentioned. But that would be rude, and I'm not (really) a rude person. *sigh*

This is the reason why I don't like hanging with people who are "blessed." I like hanging with people who are more humble, and accepting of the little things that they have; because we get along on a similar level. Of course, my PARENTS are blessed. But never during Christmas have I received any of that blessing.

*screams* >:-o    -_-

Okay, I'm done for now. I just needed to get that off my chest...

I may write another blog on this topic a little later...When my thoughts are a bit more organized.

-Lauren

Quote of the Day: Anything from "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"

P.S.: This goes for New Years too...lol

...people subtly, and subliminally say "fuck you" and go on about their lives like what they just did was okay?

ESPECIALLY when its somebody close to you like a friend or family member :/

^---you can add THAT to my pet peeves list

*screams*

I just needed to get that out of my system

Au revoir mes amis...

For the first time in my life, I am truly scared with the one I am in a relationship with. I guess that's a good thing because maybe it means that I love her. But then again, maybe its a bad thing because I feel like my fear is pushing her away. I don't know, I 'm just so confused. Not about her, or us, but just about what these feelings mean. I'm so apprehensive about every little thing that I do for her. I want to make things perfect for her. And I feel that if I'm not always making her smile/laugh, or if she's not constantly happy then I don't feel complete. Me making her happy has nothing to do with her not accepting the things I do for her or anything of that sort. But I guess its just me not being happy with myself and how I approach my actions. I feel as if she deserves so much better than just little 'ol me, yet I don't want to let her go. I want to be that one who makes her happy and giggly, but I feel as if I don't know how. I can see it on her face and in her mannerisms, but there always feels like there's room for improvement. Except, I don't know how to reach that level of improvement. *sigh* WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!

I'm trying to love her, I really am. It just feels like every time I love her even more I push that bar, the one that measures how much I love her, even higher. I don't want to get to the point where I can't even reach that bar anymore because its completely unattainable. Does that make sense? Well, it does in my head. I'm just so used to people not accepting how I love them and how I care for them that I've come to the conclusion that no one will EVER accept how I love and care. But then she comes along and thinks that everything I do is perfect (for her)! Whoa! Wait! Can that really happen?! I guess so because it's happening to me!

For the first time ever, I think I feel love. True, honest, everlasting love. For the first time, I feel ALIVE. I'm actually in tune with my senses. I cry now more than I've ever cried before! And it's not because I'm sad, no. It's because I'm happy, and I don't know how to express it any more than through my tears. And its not just me that's noticed that I'm ecstatic about life; our mutual friends have noticed a change in me as well. They tell her that this is the happiest they've ever seen me and that it makes them swell up with joy and hope for us. These past 7 months have been the most fulfilling months I've ever had in my entire life, and its all because of her. Even when we had our disagreements, or when we would talk about what we need to improve on, or whatever...at the end of that conversation, instead of typical me wanting to run away and say "Fuck it," I wanted to stay and work on myself and work on the "problems" she and I were having. FOR THE FIRST TIME! Do you guys hear me?! I've never wanted to take the long route in a relationship! For instance, in my past relationships if I had a disagreement with my significant other usually I'd make myself feel bad and patronize my actions and feelings and make the other feel like they're "perfect" and that they did nothing wrong. With her, I'm not afraid to voice my opinions with the fear of being rebutted. I ACTUALLY WANT TO TALK WITH HER! Ahhhhhh! I know this may not seem like an outstanding phenomenon to you all, but to me this is MAJOR.

And despite all the animosity surrounding us with her family and the haters on campus, etc., the simple grasping of her hand makes all of that go away and makes me feel so much better. I honestly don't know what I'd do if I didn't have her to talk to, to cry on, to laugh with, to sleep with, to cuddle with, to argue with, etc. At the end of the day, knowing that I have her is what makes my life seemingly worthwhile. Knowing that I get to talk to her whenever I want, and kiss her whenever I want without repercussions makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. She is definitely my little ray of sunshine.

She knows (most of) my faults and imperfections and yet, that just makes her want me more. I'm changing and growing as a result of this relationship. Not because I'm doing it for her, but because I'm doing it for myself and for us. I'm still me, but just a new, improved, and much happier version. Damn, why wasn't she around 6 years ago when I could've REALLY needed her?! For the first time, I have hope and faith in a relationship. I think it's because 1. I can't see myself without her, and 2. for the first time, my parents have true faith in my relationship. I'm so glad that I waited for her to be with me. For those of you that don't know, I waited damn near a year and a half for her to stop resisting me. One of her biggest fears was seeing me let her down and her looking back. Since we've been in this relationship, I don't think she's ever looked back and said "I miss the single days," or "I don't want to be with her." You wanna know how I know? Because, 1. She's never said or illustrated it, 2. When she says she loves me, its always when we look at each other directly in each other's eyes, and 3. She's very expressive about our love with our friends and other persons. It's so good to know someone that loves you as much as you love them. :D

Okay, I'm gonna stop rambling now. I just really needed to get that out of my system.

Thanks guys for listening!

With Love,

Lauren

P.S.: Quote of the Day: "I'd rather have bad times with you than good times with someone else. I'd rather be beside you in a storm than safe and warm by myself. I'd rather have hard times together than to have it easy apart. I'd rather have the one who holds my heart." - Luther Vandross

Dear Readers,

I am SO sorry! I know I've been absent and I apologize. I don't even remember my last blog let alone what I wrote in it. So much has happened since we last met! Let me start more recently and then work my way back...that might help me out a bit...

My honeybear and I celebrated our anniversary =] Yes, another milestone in our relationship. It feels awesome and I can't wait til the next anniversary. We didn't do much because we were both busy, amongst other things. This anniversary was really special because since we've had so many heartaches and setbacks in the past month, it was a marker for how much we love each other and how strong our love really is. Lately though, its been feelin like we've been fighting more for our love (not in the relationship, but outside) rather than enjoying our love. It sucks, but we're learning and growing everyday. Taking one day at a time, and never taking a kiss for granted.

School's been great. I received "Satisfactory" (as opposed to Unsatisfactory) on all my midterms =] Including Biological Anthro, which is the class I was MOST worried about. Mom and dad are happy with my grades, which makes me even happier. My good grades are definitely a result of my baby pushing me to succeed and study all the time. *sigh* But its definitely time for Christmas break...Thanksgiving break isn't going to be enough. On a better note, I'm all registered for my classes (the ones that I want). And I have one class with one of my good friends. Next semester should be very interesting :)

My brother is doing well. He's finally starting to find and embrace his true self. Of course, its a bit more eccentric than my parents had expected;but they love him nonetheless. For example: on Halloween, instead of being a cowboy, or toga-dude, or anything exceedingly dripping in assumed masculinity, he was a kitty cat complete with a blonde wig. Cute, eh? Yes, I still have yet to see the pictures...lol. Mind you that my brother is 16, 6"2, and over 200 lbs. Get the picture?

For my Halloween, the girls and I did Haunted Hilltop. It was lots of fun, but very cold. I was this zombie, Jungle Jane type of thing. I had to lay on a table and act dead all night long. And when people would come up to me and see if I was real or not, I'd have to jump up and scare them. It was great fun :) Though the party went from 8-midnight, I only stayed from 8-10pm because my appendages felt like they were falling off, lol. But for staying dead for 2 hours in the freezing cold I got RSVP points. So yeah, life is good :)

I went home to go vote. Yeah, that was an eventful weekend. I went home last Saturday and came back this past Tuesday. I had to vote absentee because the analytics were calculating that the wait to vote would be 2 hours, and I had a plane to catch, lol. I can't tell you how happy I am that Obama won, omg. If you lived anywhere other than Washington DC, you couldn't have felt the sheer intensity of him being elected. For most of the night, you could hear people FROM THE WHITE HOUSE shouting "Obama" and "Yes We Will." It was awesome. And then Howard University was on the news, from local to Yahoo!. My mother was screaming into the phone when she called me, it was sheer madness.

Okay, I think I'll stop here for now. I'm tired of typing. Just keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I go through these next couple of weeks.

XOXO,

Lauren

Quote of the Week: "And you know that I love you. Here and now, not forever. I can give you the present, but I don't know about the future. That's all stuff and nonsense." - Missy Higgins

Hey Readers!

Right, so about how I haven't done a blog in forever (and a day). I apologize for that. This week is Homecoming week and campus is absolutely chaotic! Everybody from my professors to my friends; they all have that Homecoming fever. Let me rewind to this past weekend...

I WENT TO NYC on Sunday! It was my first time going, so you know I was excited! I went with my baby, her best friend, and her bff's boo =] We went to Times Square, Little Italy, the river, and we saw Avenue Q!!! And let me say, that Avenue Q is definitely one of my new favorite broadways. It is so raunchy, and politically correct, and hilarious all at the same time! I plan on going back to NYC soon so that I can go see Billy Elliot as well as many other broadway productions (Little Mermaid, 13, etc.).

After NYC, school started again (ugh!). Buuuuuuut, it's been a good scholastic week because I've been getting "A's" on a majority of my assignments and whatnot. I have a French midterm tomorrow, but its all good because French is my forte :) My Bio Anthro test got pushed back to Monday, which is somewhat of a burden and a blessing. Its a blessing because I wasn't ready to have it tomorrow as originally assigned, but its a burden because this is Homecoming weekend and I'm barely gonna have time to study :/ Oh choices...

This week in DC weather has been balmy and uncommonly warm. It's been sitting around 80's all week...which, any other day I wouldn't complain. BUT, in my dorm they turned the A/C off and heat is the only thing blowing out of the vents. 80 degree weather + no A/C + no natural breeze from window = stifling hot room, heat stroke, and excessive sweating! The conditions have been really rough on my relationship with my girlfriend because we can't even cuddle together because its been too hot. We can barely even touch each other! But its supposed to be getting cooler within the next week, so I guess that's a plus...

OH, in BLAGOSAH news:

Hype '08 went FABULOUSLY! Didn't get as big of a turnout as hoped, but WE WERE ON THE FRONT PAGE OF THE HILLTOP! So much excitement! I definitely grabbed 2 copies of that issue, lol. Many people's questions were answered and our intent for that forum went as well as planned.

Okay, I think I'm gonna stop here for the time being.

I have a French midterm to study for and a girlfriend to tend to.

Love You Guys,

Lauren

Quote of the Day: "You say I'm crazy? I got your crazy..." - Britney Spears

Hey y'all,

Wow, that was country...Anyway! How are you guys? You guys been chill since I last wrote? I hope so...Yeah, I guess I've been pretty good too. This weekend was pretty satisfactory. Had a good turnout for the BLAGOSAH meeting on Friday, studied hard for my Black Diaspora test (and nailed most of the questions), and spent the entire weekend with my babycakes. Can't get much better than that, eh? Today was a good day because all we did was eat pizza, sleep, and watch t.v./movies. We reminisced on our first kiss, the first time we saw each other (after 4 months), etc. Had a lot of laughs, a few tears (happy tears, I may add). She makes me happy...sooooo damn happy. And its not complicated happiness. Its the simple things that she does. Let me give you all some examples:

1. She got up from her bed at 11 something in the morning, came to Thirkield (the building where my Black Diaspora class is held) and helped me study for my test.

2. She pays for everything food-related.

3. She's paying for me to go to New York this upcoming weekend...WOWZA!

And all she wants in return is my love: hugs, kisses, etc. Tell me she's not the best girlfriend ever?! *sigh*

I feel like I owe her...but funds are really slim right now and I can't do that. It makes me feel so bad, y'all don't understand. But I guess if my love is enough to compensate, then there's nothing else for me to complain about...

All I want to do is provide for her, and have her give ME the love (that I still feel like I don't deserve). Damn economy, and damn school life...argh. Yeah, sure, I could get a job; but that would mean spending more time away from her and more sleep in my bed (as if I wasn't exhausted enough). I can't do that to her, or myself. We already spend enough time apart from each other as is (due to visitation rules and other annoyances). I don't think my heart, or hers, could take spending any more time apart...its too rough. Maybe I'll get a job after Christmas or something, once we really get settled with each other. Gosh, I feel like the husband that has to take a 2nd job to make ends meet...you know, the ones that you see in the movies? Leaving his wife and kids at home? *sigh*

Maybe I'm overreacting, or over-thinking this. Its just that this entire situation is so much more than what I'm used to. So different that what I'm used to. I'm so out of my comfort zone with her. But at the same time, she's placed me in this entirely new zone that I'm starting to get comfortable with....er, at least, I'm more comfortable with her than her generosity. I dunno...I guess I should just suck it up like she tells me to and just accept it and move on. She's not changing for the duration (that sounds bad, doesn't it?) of our relationship, she says. *screams into pillow*

Okay, I think I'll stop here for the night...All this overreacting and over-thinking has my head hurting.

Chuck the Deuces,

Lauren

Quote of the Day: "After everything I've learned, now it's finally my turn. This is the last time I'll fall in love." - Eric Benet

Hey Readers,

So, here I am on another lonely night in my room. I guess I'm gonna have to get used to it since that's how life's suited itself to work out for me. And I don't mean just with stuff that happened last week, but visitation is starting this weekend; which means that the RA's will be checking every person that walks through their dorm's doors. Since they'll be checking everybody, that means it'll be harder for my baby to come visit me. I don't know why I missed her so much today. Maybe it was because she spent the night last night and then I only saw her for 15 minutes. She brings such sunshine to my life...y'all have no idea. Even with the downpour of rain we had today, thinking about her kept my spirits up. Dammit, I feel the tears coming...argh. Why I cry whenever I think of her, I have no idea. But I think its a good thing...right?!

Anyway...

I had another Anthro test today. I was pissed at the end of it because I thought the majority of the test was going to be on mitosis and meiosis, and the test barely had any questions on mitosis and meiosis. *sigh* I hope that I did well enough. I sure as hell studied like the test was the damn MCAT's.

I cleaned my room and did laundry =] My room looks quite wonderful. You guys would be proud. Now, let's see if I can keep it like this...haha.

I went to dinner with my big brother earlier. We went out for sushi. I had my new fave, Smoked Salmon & Cream Cheese (nice and sweet; good for those trying to venture from California Rolls). It made me feel better, and slightly cured the loneliness I was suffering from my baby. After sushi, he took me grocery shopping. I have lots of goodies in my room *big smile*

It's almost Friday, damn.

Are y'all feenin for Friday just as much as I am? I hope so...

I'm still recovering from being sick. Mom said I had some sort of virus. I was sooooo sick y'all, omg. I'm still getting my voice back. But I like my voice where its at right now; its quite sexy. It's got a little bit of a rasp to it =] If I have to suck on another honey & lemon lozenge, I swear...lol

Okay. I have an 11 o' clock class (thank God its my only one tomorrow). And then I'm going to my baby's room to watch Aladdin and cuddle *smile*

Love you guys! Thanks for reading!

XOXO,

Lauren

Quote of the Day: "I know I can't stop the downpour, but I will always join you for a walk in the rain." - Anonymous

Hey Readers,

So if you've been following my blog, or if you read it yesterday you'll notice that the most recent blog I wrote is not up here. Why? Because some people got offended by the text, and the situation got out of hand. (i.e.: I got a call at 2 in the morning from a very upset person.) So I decided to take it down in my best interest.

So anyway. I guess my blog was a form of "bullying," etc. I didn't know that saying the truth and using my right of free speech was a way of bullying...but I guess it COULD come off like that to certain persons. It just annoys me when you try to be all big & bold, but then when it comes back to haunt you and bite you in the ass you can't stand up for yourself. Does that make sense to you guys? Didn't think so. I guess the opposition couldn't handle the ammo...they must've thought I was gonna go quietly. CLEARLY, they don't know me. I can be just as petty, immature, and SELFISH as they. (Of course, when you have such GREAT role models it makes being petty, immature, and selfish THAT much easier).

Anyway, I gotta finish getting ready.

Going out to try and make myself feel better.

I'll elaborate more on this when I get back to my computer.

Love you guys! Thanks for the support! =]

Cooler Than Your Average (Cup of) Joe,

Lauren

*For Blogging purposes, I'll put up the quote that I had on my last post.

Quote of the Day: "She's the reason why I don't want to go to sleep at night but the reason why I want to wake up in the morning." - Me

Dear Readers,

I just want to apologize for my absence for the past few weeks. I know you all have been SO anxious to get to know what I've been doing with my life since my last post. I don't remember what I wrote in my last post, so I'm gonna try my best to catch you all up.

The one thing that's been taking up most of my time are my campus activities (class & BLAGOSAH). I have some pretty amazing classes this semester, I will admit. And I also have some pretty icky ones as well. My amazing classes consist of Biological Anthropology (its hard, but its still pretty cool. I'm learning a lot) & Humanities I. Humanities is awesome because Tony Medina is one of the only modern psychopaths that makes sense here on Howard's campus. We talk about everything from how the McCain/Palin campaign is equal to Armageddon, to how Michelle Obama can't fully represent herself as an au natural African-American woman. The only thing I wonder about is how his tests are going to be executed because the class is definitely a discussion-based class. Hmm...we'll see.

My icky classes include my Tech Writing for Pre-Professionals class and French. Don't get me wrong, I love my professor but I just hate how ridiculously picky he is about EVERYTHING! But its whatever, I just gotta get used to how he does things and hopefully I'll have an "A" by the end of the semester. My French class is killing me softly (and slowly). My prof has this big, burly, Uncle Phil type of voice which makes it hard to comprehend what he's trying to say (in both English and French). But its okay, he's basic and laidback so no worries =]

ANYWAY...enough about classes...

BLAGOSAH is doing WONDERFULLY! At our first meeting we had 35 PEOPLE!!!! And everybody seemed to have fun (including the people who didn't come last year because they said it wasn't "fun"). Our 2nd meeting didn't have that many people, but its okay. We know & understand that people have things to do on Friday nights. No worries. Next week we're going on a tour of gay DC so that should bring a lot of people back. In the planning process we have a BLAGOSAH Ball, Open Mic night, and a few other events. We also have a blog (yay!). http://theurbanmindofblagosah.blogspot.com is the site. I PROMISE that I'll have a blog (or 2) up there soon! I'm so busy though, so give me a little bit of time.

My anniversary is in exactly one week! 3 whole months of pure loving. I know she has something extravagantly special planned, so there's probably not gonna be a blog for next weekend :) Speaking of something special, I got her a present last week. Why? No reason...just because it was Tuesday :) She cried and got all emotional because she's not used to her significant others buying gifts for her without a special occasion. It was cute, but I know that's gonna try and outdo me next week *sigh*. I promise that I'll update you ASAP on the details.

Anyway, I think that's all I have to say for now. At least, in terms of updates. I'm trying not to ramble, but clearly I FAILED at that, haha. I love you guys and I promise that I'll keep you more frequently updated as this semester continues. Don't expect a blog every single day like I had been doing during the summer, but do expect one (or two) from me per week.

XOXO,

Lauren (a.k.a. Miss LoMo if ya nasty)

"I want Jesus to come back and be like 'That's not what I meant!'" - Margaret Cho